I don’t really like myself. I don’t know why people like me. And I don’t not want to be liked. (I want to be liked.) It doesn’t make sense. So maybe I’m a selfish pathetic liar for saying I’m “fine” when someones asks just so they’ll move on to a different subject. Maybe I should tell someone other than a blog how truly empty I feel sometimes for stupid reasons that I can’t even figure out. Maybe I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself. It’s really not healthy. People have it way worse. So I won’t. But I’d honestly really like to “like” myself in the future. I want to like who I will become someday. I don’t really know what I’ll do in the future. But I’d like to be happy sometime in the near future. 

 I’m not always unhappy. I’m often amused by little things that mean nothing to most people, but sometimes mean the world to me in that moment. I’d like to truly understand these crazy ups and downs of life. Like how you can be laughing hysterically in one moment and crying yourself to sleep the next. Truth is I still haven’t forgiven those who have trespassed against me. And for that, I haven’t really forgiven myself for what I let it do to me. What I’ve done to myself. Pray and forgive, they say. Easier said than done, I say.  

this was actually a really old post I made months ago. It’s interesting how relevant it still is to me.